camp

i'm sort of dead tired now, but i need to write this down somewhere before the feelings attached to camp become blurred by sleep.

camp has been mentally rejuvenating. between orientation dry run, grad nite and camp, my energy has been totally exhausted. oh well, but i survived anyway, and i must really thank my batchmates for allowing me to take naps when i felt too drained to continue, even when they themselves were tired from the hike and activities.

i rarely get agitated. and i seldom raise my voice. and to have to shout at my juniors, it wasn't a pleasant task to do. but responsibilities remain, and no matter how difficult they are, i can't shirk away from them. and i raised my voice. the first time happened during war games when cheating had become blatant. the message was conveyed. but for a more honest appraisal, i must admit that i was feeling apprehensive when i shouted. it was something very out-of-character for me, and to have to overcome this barrier of sorts expended a lot of energy. but i finally crossed the invisible line and in a way, i felt that i have grown there and then.

today was a totally different experience. it was reflections for the troop, the time when we will have to forcefully make them reflect back on what they have learnt together as one through physical means, hoping that this temporarily pain will etch indelible lessons into their minds. it was a different kind of shouting. i was tired this morning, but i slowly broke out of my lethargy. because while shouting, i felt something.

how do i explain this intangible emotion that was aroused unintentionally? i think many times when we berate the troop, we enter a mechanical mode where the logical part of us takes over and we base our scolding on rational reasoning. but this was different. while shouting, i had inadvertently triggered something. it was when i started asking them what '02' really means to them.

i think at that moment a thousand thoughts cluttered in my mind. what does 02 really mean to myself? are we the 02 scouts past generations used to be? have we lived up to the name? and my feelings and emotions - they have woven themselves into the whole physical process. it was no longer a step-by-step punishment of their errors and failures. it has become an emotional moment of trying to make them understand, and to relate to their feelings. somehow, the fire that used to burn to brightly, the fire that has diminished this year, the fire that continues to burn because of my friendship with fellow batchmates, it burst into a towering conflagration. and for that moment, i was no longer using the logical part of my brain to speak. i know. it was my feelings that spoke.

and most importantly, it seemed like it worked better. there was greater urgency in the troop's movement. there was louder encouragement, cheers that were not inspired by fear, but rather, shouting because they really felt something and wanted to raise the spirits of their fellow friends who were suffering alongside them.

towards the end of reflections, something happened that really touched me, that made me think 02 has a much brighter future ahead, that our message has finally gotten across, and that all my admonishment was not done in vain. i asked the sec2s to recover from their push-up positions and move to another area for r&r.

but they refused the command.

"we are one troop, and we move together."
this simple sentence crystallized that moment in its clarity.

i do not know if, after today, everyone will go back and forget about everything.
i do not know if, after today, things will revert back and problems will continue to persist.
i do not even know if, after today, anything will change at all.

all i really ask for is that, after today, all of them will remember what we have been trying to grill into them all these while - that 02 is family, and that we are brothers.

cliche. but i don't care.

to the greatest friends one can ever have - funx, marcus, vinod, weizhi, samuel, raj and all my other batchmates,
to the greatest teacher 02 will ever have - mrs ng,
and to the greatest troop with such immense potential in them,
everything i wish to say to them,
can be summarized into two words.

thank you.